jessicatron

“And how does that make you feel?” My psychologist asked, cocking her head. In that moment, it all hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was paying this woman $150 an hour to cock her head and ask me how I felt about shit things that were happening in my life.

I used to always leave her office feeling as though a weight had lifted off my shoulders. By the time the next appointment came around which was the following week, I was too stupid to realise that things remained the same. Not only did I have the same problems as I did the previous week, but this time they had snowballed. Nothing was ever resolved. Talking about how I felt about something never helped, in the long run. It just helped me to articulate my thoughts, to analyze my thought process. But I couldn’t get peace from that. But I wanted something fixed, I wanted the feeling of that weight to be lifted forever. Or at least until the foreseeable future.

At the next appointment, I told her I wouldn’t be needing her anymore. She looked surprised and asked me what led me to that conclusion.

“I realised that I have to do this by myself. Without your help.”

She seemed pleased and nodded. Sure, maybe talking about how I felt didn’t really help things in the long run. But it did make me realise that I needed to stand on my own two feet and walk this one alone.

It’s the way its always been. It’s the way it always will be.

Comments

This is a cafe down one of the little sidestreets in Krakow, where hardly anyone goes.

There are always tables and chairs outside any cafe or restaurant you pass in the summer months. When it gets colder, the restaurants put out gas heaters and blankets - trying to keep patrons outside for as long as they can to show how popular they are. But when it dips below -5 and it starts to snow, the chairs are packed away ready for the next summer.

This year, winter lasted a little too long in Krakow (Until at least mid April) but they were cranking the chairs and tables out by March, hoping to encourage patrons to dine outside.

In -13 and snow? No such luck.

Comments

Rob Zombie - 1987.

Fucking marry me, man.

My husband is cool with it.

Comments

So what what does it matter now.
I was swimming in the hate now I crawl on the ground.
And everything I never liked about you is kind of seeping into me.
I try to laugh about it now but isn’t it funny how everything works out.
I guess the jokes on me, she said.

- Down In It, Nine Inch Nails.

Comments

“If you don’t stop all this bullshit and get professional help, I am leaving. I’ve tried to help you as much as I can, but I don’t know what to do anymore.” He said, after another explosive argument. I was the instigator, the one arguing and the explosive. It was all me.

His words ‘professional help’ and ‘leaving’ flung me into a blind rage. I lost my shit and told him to leave. Fuck you, goodbye. He couldn’t take me anymore. I knew that, deep down. I knew he was not in love with me like he once was. How could he love someone who did nothing for him, who just drained him of everything he had? I couldn’t even love me. What hope was there for us?

I wanted him to leave so I’d have something else to cry about and so he could get away from me. I didn’t deserve him. I wasn’t good enough to deserve anything.

Comments

I really enjoyed this day in Mortizburg. The castle there is unbelievable but they had horse rides and delicious ice cream. It felt amazing to feel joy over the simplest of things, even this view.

Comments

The Holocaust is something that is close to my heart. Thankfully, no one in my family was put into a camp but were very close to it. My grandparents managed to escape Central Macedonia but not without their close encounters of the Nazi kind.

It’s the fact that human beings can (and continue to) do horrible things to each other is what really gets to me. The Holocaust is something that was so horrific, has so many levels of information some that is still being uncovered today, that we may never really know all of the horror that happened.

I visit the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe in Berlin every time I am in town and I’ve visited my fair share of concentration camps. It gets to me every time.

I say ‘never forget’ not just to remember the atrocities that happened but to NEVER FORGET what people are capable of. It’s happening right now, somewhere in the world, as I type this.

Comments

Currently reading.

Comments

I always feel like kind of a loner, a black sheep. I think it started when I was very young - the only girl in my family, the only girl out of all of my cousins, the eldest (therefore, the most shit upon thy shoulders), the tallest, long blonde hair whilst everyone had short dark hair, the girl who loves heavy metal whilst everyone did NOT, the girl who read novels about WW2 and psychology whilst everyone read Women’s Weekly, the one who seemed like she just had way too much going on in her brain that she needed another hour of the day just to process it all. As I’ve got older, I don’t feel the divide as much as I did. It may be because I now accept who I am and what is important to me, that I could care less what other people have going on to compare. We all march to our own beats.

The ultimate truth is that we are all “alone” - we are one entity, even if we are married or have our perfect partners. There is always that simple divide of being two people. But when you love someone and they love you back, you can create your home anywhere in the world with them.

Comments

Love this Witchery skirt.

Not sure if I should pull the trigger or not.

Comments

I always wondered why people say “A Fate Worse Than Death”. We’re not going to be alive to endure death and I don’t see death as being horrible fate. It is the cycle of life and a reminder that no matter what we do in life the end result is always the same. Visiting cemeteries of Europe gave me that reassurance and also made me realise how I want to live my life.

Comments

Both of these babies are now up. As usual, let me know if you’re interested

Comments

This was our beautiful view as we drove through the mountains from Poland to Slovakia, on our way to Romania.

We happened to be listening to Pantera at the time.

Comments